B’nai Mitzvah

B’nai Mitzvah FAQs

Jump to: Logistics  |  Ritual |  Etiquette

Logistics

1. When does the process start?

• Step 1: Choose your date! If your child is enrolled in the TAS Religious School, you will receive a request to “pick a date” during your child’s 5th grade year. This is two years prior to your child’s B’nai Mitzvah year — to be sure you get your preferred date. Choose a date from the B’nai Mitzvah Land Brochure as soon as you receive it.
• Step 2: Our individualized one-on-one B’nai Mitzvah preparation begins with meetings with our Cantorial Soloist. These 30-minute meetings begin 7 months prior to the B’nai Mitzvah date. Your child will prepare their Torah and Haftarah readings and become comfortable to lead their service by the time they walk onto the bima the day of their B’nai Mitzvah. They will meet 5 times with the rabbi for 30-minute meetings to prepare their D’var Torah (speech).

2. Who attends what meetings?

3. Tell me about the Mitzvah Project:

Your mitzvah project is a key piece of becoming a B’nai Mitzvah, a child of the commandment. This process prepares you to take your place in the adult Jewish community, and full participation in the Jewish community involves an increased focus on tikun olam, repairing the world. Please check out our Mitzvah Project page for more details on how best to think about and decide what you would like to focus on for your project.

4. Please explain the various fees associated with becoming a bar/bat mitzvah at Temple Ahavat Shalom:

*Billing for training fee typically begins about 10-12 months prior to B’nai Mitzvah date.

**When celebrating at the Temple, families are required to use the Sisterhood or one of our preferred caterers or pay an additional fee for an outside caterer. Please note, Bar/Bat Mitzvah families have up to 6 months prior to their ceremony date to exercise their Right of First Refusal of the Social Hall and after that time, the space is available to anyone on a first come first serve basis. TAS provides reasonable rental rates for our members to ensure they can celebrate at TAS. To book an event at TAS, please contact our Executive Director, Aaron Solomon at (818) 360-2258 or via email at asolomon@TASnorthridge.org. Click here for everything you need to know about renting our amazing venue.

5. I don’t know this stuff – how can I help my child prepare for his/her bat/bar mitzvah?

Parents who don’t know how to play piano are still able to sit and support their child as that child practices piano. The most important thing you can do is be supportive; listen to them practice, check in and ask them how they think they are doing. Make sure to set aside time for them to work on their prayers and aliyot. You yourself don’t have to read or understand Hebrew to sit with them, listen to the audio file they are using, and hear where they match up with the chanting and wording.

6. How do I honor all the people I need to honor?

There are many opportunities to recognize friends and relatives throughout the service. TAS will also make you a personalized program for the ceremony if you request one. You will learn more about this in your meetings with the clergy.

7. Can families use TAS as a venue on Friday night for their Shabbat celebration?

Yes. There are two spaces available to congregants interested in catering dinner for family members at the synagogue on Friday night: the Social Hall and the Activities Center. The Social Hall must be clear by 7:00 p.m., to ensure time for the Oneg to be set up, the Activity Center is more flexible timewise.

8. What can you tell me about catering?

If you host your celebration at TAS, you have the option to use one of our preferred caterers. All of our preferred caterers were recommended by congregants, have previous experience working with synagogue communities, and have proper liability insurance and provide worker’s compensation insurance verification. However, you may choose to use an outside caterer for an additional fee and the caterer must meet all of the insurance requirements. Please note, Bar/Bat Mitzvah families have up to 6 months prior to their ceremony date to exercise their Right of First Refusal of the Social Hall and after that time, the space is available to anyone on a first come first serve basis.

Ritual

1. Does the Bar/Bat mitzvah have to wear/buy a tallit?

Yes. Jews wear tallitot during services in which we read from the Torah. This custom comes directly from our text – Numbers 15:37-41 teaches us: “Tell the Israelites to make fringes in the corners of their garments…that you may look at it and remember all God’s commandments and do them.”

Tallitot can be procured in a variety of ways:

a) Some families pass down tallitot from parents or grandparents

b) Often, children are invited to make their own tallitot during their religious school education or while at camp. This could be a lovely family project!

Here is an article describing the requirements for a “kosher” tallit, and there’s a wikiHow for tallit-making!

Alternatively, there are many places from which you can purchase a tallit. You can:

a) Check out the TAS Sisterhood Gift Shop

b) Learn about Women of the Wall and buy a tallit in support of their efforts.

c) Take a trip to Shalom House TAS will provide a tallit for use during the ceremony if you don’t have one of your own and aren’t interested in purchasing/making one.

2. Do we have to wear/order special kippot/yarmulkes?

No. You definitely can if you would like to, and some families do choose to order special kippot. We encourage the wearing of kippot by both men and women but it is ultimately your personal choice. The temple has kippot in the sanctuary and they will be available for those who choose if you choose not to have special ones made.

If you are interested in ordering special kippot, here are a few fun options:

a) Personalized kippot – this company has been used by TAS congregants

b) Plantable kippot – they turn into gardens!

c) Fair trade kippot

3. Do we participate in the Friday night service the night before?

Yes! On the Friday night of a student’s B’nai Mitzvah weekend, the student’s family receives the honor of lighting the Shabbat candles, and the student leads the congregation in the Kiddush, the blessing over the wine. Additionally, the student leads the V’Ahavta and the Amidah during the service.

4. Can we request certain melodies?

Yes. Consult with the cantor.

5. How do I write my parent speech!

The clergy host a writer’s workshop for parents. They are also available to answer questions about writing your speech if you make an appointment. Make sure to keep your speech to 2-3 minutes max, and bring a printed copy; please do not read your speech off a phone.

6. Aliyah Ettiquete:

An aliyah is the blessing before and after the reading of the Torah. (It is also the term for a section of the Torah that is read out loud, but generally only the student is asked to read Torah at a service). The text of the blessing can be found here.

A practice recording of the blessings can be found here.

Etiquette

1. Who should I invite to my bar/bat mitzvah?

Your bar/bat mitzvah is a joyous occasion; as such it is important to invite those friends and family who are important to you. In regards to the TAS community, we ask that you consider the feelings of your classmates – if you plan to invite 50% of your religious school class, please consider inviting the entire class to ensure that we remain a caring and inclusive community. Additionally, when building your guest list, think of people who have had an influence in your child’s religious education (such as the teachers and the director of education).

2. What should I wear?

We wear nicer clothes on the bimah out of respect, but one does not need to be overly formal. Remember that you are going to be on a platform that is higher than everyone else, and that you will need to walk up and down a set of stairs. Remember also that you will be standing for the majority of a 2-hour service. Keeping all this in mind, dress accordingly.

3. Can non-Jewish family members have honors?

Yes. Talk to clergy about which honors are most appropriate for helping your non-Jewish family members participate in this special occasion.

4. Is there a role for siblings in the service?

Yes – there is the optional opportunity for siblings to give a short speech after the parents give their speech. They also can participate in almost any of the honors. To come up to the bima for an aliyah, you have to be at least 13.

5. Can we take photos during the service?

Your photographer is welcome to take photos from the sound booth area of the sanctuary. No flash, please. Congregants and guests participating in the service may not take pictures during the service. We suggest that you spend some time with the photographer prior to the date of the ceremony to write up a list of those people and memories you want to ensure are photographed. Additionally, please remind your photographer that she/he is working in a sacred space, and have him/her avoid climbing on furniture. Often, people take a couple of quick photos with the clergy immediately prior to the service. If you would like additional pictures with the clergy, please notify the clergy assistant so that they know to make themselves available after the service.

About Temple Ahavat Shalom

Shabbat is our opportunity to exhale, come together, leave the noise of life, and find “sanctuary” in our own remarkable space.

Community at Temple Ahavat Shalom

Stepping into our Community allows us to shake off the stress of life while providing the opportunity to reimagine we are Jews living in a Jewish world.

Prayer at Temple Ahavat Shalom

As a Beit Tefillah – a House of Prayer – Temple Ahavat Shalom provides a place of spiritual nourishment and renewal for all in an often chaotic world.